I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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