I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
