ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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