i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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