If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
