I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
