Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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