planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
