I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
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he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Also, beer. Big fan.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
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I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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