mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
