1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I am mentally ready for anal.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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