Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
