Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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