First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
