I wish my penis had an off switch
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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