I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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