How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
