i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
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I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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