So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
