I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
vagina is talking i cant
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
