420 ftw
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
