wanna go halves on a baby?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
