She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
