Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
