U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
