remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
