areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
