I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
