you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
