Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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