Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
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