Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
