So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
