I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
