i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
