He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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