think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
