just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
