My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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