So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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