I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
