Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
