let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
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