nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
