You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
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I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER