id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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