I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
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