dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
