awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
