I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
