I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
