you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
