There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
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It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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