I puked a lego.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
