i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
