Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
