Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
