So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
