i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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