i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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