Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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