your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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