the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i will never coherently bang her
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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