He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
