I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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