I cannot find my penis.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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