just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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