I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
