Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
